Garrincha’s Dog

FIFA are nothing if not thorough. Their referees’ guidelines on the thorny issue of post-goal stripteases leave absolutely nothing to chance. A peep at this helpful document, which includes photos of footballers in various states of undress, will provide Zen-like enlightenment.

Football’s governing body will allow you to bare your nipples to the world without punishment, so long as the bottom of your shirt doesn’t pass over the top of your head. But when the shirt seam crosses your hairline…well, that warrants a yellow card.

“Removing one’s shirt after scoring is unnecessary and players should avoid such excessive displays of joy,” states the rule book. Joy is bad.

Olympique Marseille put local rivals Nice to the sword on Sunday; Toilfilou Maoulida scored the only goal of the game. As the winger wheeled away to celebrate, he reached into his sock and produced a piece of strapping tape bearing the legend “C’est pour vous Coach Fernandez” - “That’s for you Coach Fernandez”. The unfortunate man in charge at the Velodrome is laid up in hospital after surgery to remove gallstones.

Touched as I am by this outpouring of affection, Maoulida escaped without a booking! All right, he didn’t take his shirt off, but remember, we’re referees now: joy is bad. If stripping is “excessive”, this should have been a hanging offence. There’s clear evidence of premeditation - I’d have given him a straight red.

Seriously though, I would like to know why there was no yellow card. Did the referee take the circumstances into account or do the rules simply not cover get-well-soon greetings? If there are any men in black reading this, maybe you could take a break from animal sacrifices and beating your children to let us know. That’s a joke, of course - where would you get children from?

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For my money, the best leftback in Spain - certainly the player on form - is Getafe’s Mariano Pernía. The Argentinian has already scored seven goals this season; more than his counterpart at the Bernabéu and any other defender in the league. If you haven’t heard his name before, I can recommend this goal as a memory aid.

It was scored during a 5-0 demolition of Espanyol on 22nd January 2006. Make up your own mind about the distance - he was definitely outside the area!

Spanish national coach Luis Aragonés is following Pernía’s progress even though the object of his affection is Argentinian. Pernía has never played in blue and white, and because he has lived in Spain for four years, Aragonés will be able to select him if he is granted citizenship by his hosts.

Pernía has scored from a free-kick on four occasions this season. An end of season transfer to Valencia is rumoured to be on the cards.

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Chelsea and Liverpool prepare to take to the field for their Premiership fixture at Stamford Bridge. While the players are waiting, Steven Gerrard falls for a dummy in the tunnel.

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Okay, this is feeble, I admit it. In my defence, I’ve been waiting for him to score a hat-trick or a spectacular goal - anything rather than just blurting it out. It’s not happening, though; I can shoulder the burden no longer. So, my excuse is going to be a slightly salacious Channel 4 documentary on matters maternal.

If you’ve looked at the link, you’ll have had some warning of what’s coming. If not, brace yourself: Real Betis’s much-coveted winger Joaquín was breastfed until the age of six.

Is there anything I can say to make it better? Probably not. Can I make it worse? Absolutely.

When the infant Joaquín first pulled on a pair of boots to play competitively, half-time refreshments were warm, milky and served without the company of his team-mates. The Spanish press enjoyed their own feeding frenzy over such activities when Joaquín was linked to Real Madrid in 2004.

It’s unpalatable information, but I’m glad I got it off my chest… me and his mum.

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