Garrincha’s Dog

Hey Bobby, what’s the French for “Kick the bloody ball”?

We’ve probably all seen it by now: Arsenal lead Man City at Highbury by a single goal. The home side are awarded their second penalty of the afternoon and, having already dispatched the first in the traditional manner, Robert Pires decides to experiment.

So, after some conspiratorial whisperings with Thierry Henry, Pires places the ball on the spot and starts his run-up. But instead of scoring - and this is brilliant - he’ll pass the ball to Henry for an easy tap-in. Fantastic!

2-0 up and football’s Bert and Ernie will have secured the three points. Then it’ll be into the Renault and off home to bed, tucked up under the covers to watch endless replays on Match of the Day accompanied by gushing praise from Hansen and Lineker.

Only it didn’t quite work out that way.

Pires produced a nervous scuff instead of a pass and the ball barely left the spot. While Henry stood perplexed, the witless referee decided that the almost imperceptible movement of the ball was caused by two touches from Pires, even though everyone else in the ground was struggling to see any sort of contact at all. Free-kick to City.

As I said, you’re bound to have seen this little slice of French farce by now, but have you watched the same plan when it’s executed with a little more sangfroid?

During a game against Helmond Sport on 5th December 1982, Johan Cruyff scored Ajax’s fifth goal; a penalty with a cameo appearance from Jesper Olsen between the spot and the net.

It didn’t work for Pires and Henry, but they had the nerve to try something a bit different while thirty thousand pairs of eyes were watching them. When was the last time you saw that on a football pitch?